Hi — it’s Mark.
It’s late, the house is quiet, and I’m in the study pondering whether I step in too much to help them. Every parent knows the urge. To fix, solve the problem, smooth the struggle. It feels like love, like protection. But what if, in rescuing them, we’re quietly telling them they can’t do it on their own? What if our well-intentioned help is actually stealing their chance to grow?
Just the other day, my daughter wrestled with her shoelaces, huffing in frustration, ready to throw her shoes across the room. I felt the urge to step in and do it for her. Instead, I took a breath. “You’ll get it. Try again.” She glared, tried, and finally succeeded. Her face lit up. If I had stepped in, she wouldn’t have had that moment of triumph. And yet, it was so hard to hold back.
PHILOSOPHER: Why do you feel compelled to step in when your child struggles?
PARENT: I don’t want them to fail. Or get frustrated.
PHILOSOPHER: Helping feels good, doesn’t it? Like a superhero, swooping in to save the day. The shoelaces, the spilled juice, the forgotten homework. You fix, clean, remind. It feels like love. But sometimes, if we’re honest, we’re not just saving them. We’re saving ourselves. From the whining. The mess. The judgment. From the discomfort of watching them struggle.
PARENT: I think this might be what I’m doing.
PHILOSOPHER: Maybe. And what if every time we step in, we are sending a quiet message: ‘You can’t handle this.’ Not with words, but with our actions. We take away their struggle. And with it? Their chance to grow.
PARENT: But it’s my job to make their life easier, isn’t it?
PHILOSOPHER: Is it? Tell me, what do you think happens to your child when you solve every problem for them?
PARENT: I suppose they get used to me fixing things. They might not learn how to handle challenges themselves. But if I don’t help, won’t they think I don’t care?
PHILOSOPHER: That’s an interesting assumption. Consider the thought that all people, including children, have an innate drive toward competence. I know I do. I desire to grow and master tasks. What might happen if you let your child wrestle with a task, even if they fail at first?
PARENT: They’d probably get upset. But… maybe they’d try again? I’ve seen them figure things out when I’m not around. Like when they built that lopsided LEGO tower and kept at it.
PHILOSOPHER: Exactly. Struggle is essential to their growth. When you intervene, you might unintentionally send a message that they’re incapable. How does that sit with you?
PARENT: It stings a little. I don’t want them to feel incapable. I want them to feel strong. But if I step back, what if they give up? I’d feel guilty.
PHILOSOPHER: Guilt is a heavy burden. Let’s unpack it. The psychologist Alfred Adler argued that every person’s task is their own. Your child’s task is to tie their shoes or finish their homework. Not yours. He called this the “separation of tasks.” If they give up, whose responsibility is that?
PARENT: Mine, because I’m the parent… wait, no. It’s theirs, isn’t it? I can’t force them to keep going.
PHILOSOPHER: Precisely. Your task as a parent is to provide encouragement and guidance, but the effort belongs to them. Adler believed that shielding someone from their tasks robs them of courage. The courage to face life’s challenges. What do you think your child gains when they overcome a struggle on their own?
PARENT: Capability. Confidence, probably. I remember when they finally tied their shoes after weeks of trying. They beamed all day. I felt proud too, but I didn’t do it for them.
PHILOSOPHER: That pride is key. Adler saw life as a series of problems to solve, not avoid. By letting them struggle, you’re preparing them for that reality. Now, why do you think it’s hard for you to let go?
PARENT: I guess I worry they’ll be angry at me for not helping. Or that I’ll look like a bad parent if they fail and someone sees it, like at school or around other parents.
PHILOSOPHER: Adler would challenge that. He said we often live for others’ approval. What he called a “life-lie.” Do you think there’s a part of you that’s protecting yourself from judgment?
PARENT: Ouch. But… maybe. I don’t want them to suffer, but I also don’t want the teacher thinking I’m uncaring or uninvolved.
PHILOSOPHER: Fair enough. But consider this: if your child succeeds after struggling, who really benefits? And if they fail, what’s the worst that happens?
PARENT: If they succeed, they grow stronger. If they fail, they might cry or get mad, but they’ll survive. I did as a kid. I just hate seeing them upset.
PHILOSOPHER: That’s your task, then. To bear the discomfort of their struggle or others' judgement. Adler believed true love isn’t about removing pain, but about trusting someone to handle it. Can you find the courage to trust your child that way?
PARENT: It’s tough, but I see it. Next time they’re fumbling with something, I’ll wait. I’ll encourage them instead of jumping in. It feels risky, though. Sometimes the frustrations will boil over.
PHILOSOPHER: It’s risky, yes. But that’s where transformation begins. Adler would say you’re not just raising a child, you’re raising a capable human. How does that feel?
PARENT: Scary. Exciting. Like I’m growing too. Next time I feel myself about to step in, I’ll ask myself: Am I doing this for them, or for me?
PHILOSOPHER: And that’s the point. Courage isn’t just for them, it’s for you too. Next time they struggle… pause. Let them try. See what happens.
See you next week — Mark
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